Feeds

Written on 7/11...

The only thing keeping Wyatt in the hospital... Feeds.

It's almost annoying.

He's not here because of anything to do with his skin.  It's just a preemie issue.

He is quite possibly the most inconsistent eater I've seen in my entire life.  He'll go from drinking the whole bottle (55 cc's) one time to only drinking 15 cc's the next.  Sometimes he dribbles a ton, other times he doesn't.  I really question whether or not he's actually hungry when it comes to feeding time.  He doesn't get to pick when he's hungry.  He's just fed 55 cc's every 3 hours whether he wants it or not.  Whatever he doesn't take by mouth is force fed down the ng tube.  What if he's just one of those babies that wants to eat every 4 hours instead of 3. 

All babies aren't created equal you know.  They all eat different amounts at different times of the day and they don't always do it in 30 minutes or less.  In addition to him eating inconsistently, there's the issue of the ng tube.  The tape keeps coming off quickly and usually takes a layer of skin with it so yesterday they put a head band thing on him to keep the tube in place.  The band that they were using put too much pressure on his head though so that hurt him too, so now they're trying a different thing on his head to keep the tube in place.  Since it's being such a hassle, the next time the tube comes out, they're going to leave it out for 24-48 hours to see how he does.  They're going to only feed him what he can eat to see how he does. Secretly, I hope the tube comes out soon so that he can try doing all the feeds on his own and he can establish his own schedule.  {Actually... I guess that's not much of a secret anymore} 

I hope hope hope this is the right card to play.  I hope it gives him that little push he needs to start doing all of this on his own.  I want this to all click for him so that he can finally come home with us.

He'll be 3 months old on Sunday.  3 months.  I've had to learn an immense amount of patience this year.  With myself, other people and with Wyatt.  I've also had to really put things into perspective.  I try to see things from other peoples point of view.  But dang it sometimes it's hard.  For example, when a pregnant friend complains about her pregnancy and how she's sick of it, I have to really bite my tongue.  I much rather would have spent the past 3 months being pregnant instead of at the hospital. 

I actually really miss being pregnant.  Right after I had Wyatt I think I had empty nest syndrome.  I wasn't pregnant anymore, but I didn't have a baby at home.  I think about a month into all of this I asked Jared when he thought we could start another round of IVF.  He was all, "ARE YOU CRAZY?!  We have a baby in the hospital and you want to talk about having another one?"

...yes?

He was like, um no.  We can have this conversation in a year.  Maybe.

It's a good thing that when one of us loses our head, the other one can be rational.  Otherwise there is a good possibility that I would be pregnant again right now haha.

I can't help it!  All I've ever wanted was to be a mom and it feels like the universe is against me.  But Wyatt will be home soon and then I can really start feeling like a mom... if that's even possible.  When does a person even start feeling like a parent?