Why in vitro?

Those in my life who know me well, know my history and why Jared and I are doing IVF to get our little family.

For those of you who never knew... here's the story.

December 11, 1989.

It was time to go home from my friends house.  We went out to the car but I couldn't get the door open.  I tried to stop my friends door from closing but all I got were my fingers slammed in the door.  As this happened, his mom started up the car so she couldn't hear my cries.  Since she thought I was in the car, she started backing down the driveway.  I was dragged down the driveway with the car until my left leg got caught under the front tire and as it crunched over my leg, my fingers were freed from the door.

As the car reached the street, my friends mom saw me laying in the driveway and in a panic she slammed on the gas instead of the brakes and went flying into the fence behind her.  Luckily neither of them were hurt.

She ran inside to call my mother as my friends dad picked me up and brought me back in and laid me on across a chair.  I remember his sister trying to put a band-aid on my throbbing leg and I kicked her away with my good leg while screaming at her to not touch me.

My mom arrived and rushed me to the hospital.  

I don't think she's driven so fast in her entire life.

When I arrived at the hospital, a doctor examined me.  All of my clothes had to come off and I've been told that when he tried to take off my underwear I slapped him right across the face.

After tests the doctors diagnosis was:

Left Leg - Broken

Stomach - Ruptured.

The doctor told my parents that I wouldn't make it.

When I was in recovery my mom told me that she could see all of my lunch in my tummy.  Some peanut butter and jelly sandwich here {and she would point to a part of my stomach} some milk here {point somewhere else} and lots and lots of chocolate chip cookies.

I was in the hospital for 11 days when the doctors allowed my parents to take me home.

That year for Christmas I got a little tykes shopping cart.  It helped me learn to walk again.

Here are some pictures from that time in my life.  I have to admit, I was a pretty cute little girl. :)
{I can't wait to see what our babies look like!}

My uncle gave me this Big Bird.  Totally still have it :)

The nurses liked to stick me in a wheelchair and walk me around the hospital.  One of the nurses would always share her orange with me.  They were awesome.

Daddy sleeping with me in my oxygen tent. <3

Fast forward to November 28, 2001.

I was fat.  My stomach had grown so much the past few months that I started wearing this fleece pullover every day.  Whether I was warm or not.  My stomach was getting bigger every day it seemed and it felt hard when I poked it.  I had no idea what was happening to me and I didn't like it.  Cramps were murder.  I remember shopping with my mom in Target one day and I literally dropped to the ground my cramps came on so bad.  But on this morning, November 28th.  I felt especially awful.  I told my parents I couldn't go to school and that I felt terrible.  My dad came in and asked what was wrong with me.  I told him my stomach hurt so so so so bad.  So, being a doctor, he started poking me around and then asked me if I was sexually active.  WHAT?!  NO.  No I wasn't.  He wanted to know if I was telling the truth, because apparently I looked and felt like I was 5-6 months pregnant.  I swore I wasn't.

My dad took me to the hospital where they did some tests and found that I had a very large cist that needed to be removed immediately.  Like, if it wasn't removed asap it could burst and I would die.  The cyst was the size of a NFL football.

The next day, my parents brought me in for emergency surgery.

I remember feeling like the worst person ever because it was my parents anniversary that day and I was ruining it for them.

A nurse had me change into one of those hospital gowns and I was left to sit in a wheelchair in this room with my parents until the operating room was ready.  Since I was freaking out they were kind enough to give me some medicine.  I don't know what it was called, but after I took the medicine I only remember the next minute.  Then I woke up in recovery.

When they opened me up in surgery, the doctor discovered that this cyst was HUGE.  The dr. thinks that this cyst was a result of my ruptured stomach.  It was attached to my bladder, my uterus, and my colon.  In the surgery the dr. detached everything, drained the cyst {which had about 2 liters of old blood in it, ew} and removed it.  Because everything was so squished together, my right ovary was accidentally removed.

My parents were told following the procedure that I might not be able to have children in the future.

Fast forward 5 years, I get married.

After 4 years of marriage we try to figure out why we aren't getting pregnant.

January 2010 - Met with an OBGYN to begin the 6 month process of tests and procedures to try and figure out exactly why we weren't getting pregnant.

July 2010 - OBGYN concludes that I will be a good candidate for IVF, and that will be the only way for me to have children.

August 16th 2010, we meet Dr. Wilcox and decide he will be our miracle worker.

And that is how we got where we are today.
3 weeks pregnant and counting! :)

{actually... I'm technically 5 weeks pregnant.  Apparently you're pregnancy is based off of your last menstrual cycle.  I wonder why.}

My new journal

Meet my new journal.

Isn't she a beaut?!

I love love love this color pink. 

I've never seen a journal as bright as this one.

For one thing I'm never going to lose it.  But also because of the deliciously bright pink it is, it will call my attention.  "Write in me!"

How could I forget to write in this thing?

I. Love. It.

I used to be an avid writer in my journal.  (I started when I was 12.)  

Like... I would go through a journal every 8 months or so.  BUT Since I moved away from home (6 years ago) I haven't written more than 60 pages.  Pathetic, I know.

I'm a firm believer in the importance in recording your life on paper so that generations to come can read and know about the person you were during this life on Earth.

I've had my journal for nine days.  

I have written nine pages in four entries.

I used to write every single day.  I know it will be awhile before I'm up to that again... if ever.  But it's nice to write down my thoughts about everything again.

Especially with the start of IVF.

It'll be so fun to read back on this experience 10 years from now and share with my little one(s) how badly we wanted him/her/them.

Miracle Grow

In honor of Earth Day I decided to spend this past weekend working in the yard.  I didn't get to bed until 2:00 on Friday Night Saturday morning (because Jared was gone on an overnight hike w/ the Scouts and it's hard for me to sleep without him) so I thought I would sleep in a little before I started working, but kitty decided to start insistently meowing at 7 am and sleeping was out of the question.  I got up and went on a 3 mile walk and when I got back I headed over to Lowe's for my free tree. :)

They let me take 2 so my mother in law could have one as well.  

They are so cute!  

It's a Bristlecone Pine and they are literally like 3 inches tall.  

LOVE

So then I started weeding.  I weeded for three hours!  There was so much grass that was trying to come back up into our garden, plus, the dirt that we purchased and mixed in with all of our garden apparently had a million weeds in it.  Which super sucked.

When I finished I started to put Miracle Grow on everything to make it all healthy and strong.  So let me tell you about my 

Miracle Grow.

It looks like this... the thing you just attach at the end of your hose.

So I bought this about a year ago and I've never really known the inside workings of it, just that if I attach it to my hose and change the little dial to feed and water that my plants get miracle grow.  Simple enough.  So this stuff has lasted me FOREVER, I mean, I don't use it a ton, but it's lasted way longer than I thought it would.  Saturday when I pulled it out I was looking at it and was stumped on how the miracle grow actually gets mixed in with the water AND how it was possible that I still had so much of it.

"How does it get mixed with the water without getting the other stuff wet?" I wondered.

So I finally unscrewed the bottom portion to check it out.

Yeah.........

I never took the plastic off.

So I've been watering things for about a year now...

thinking I was fertilizing them...

and I wasn't.

Probably one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.

Oh yeah, and that little container fills up with water when it's used correctly.

I love my dentist...

but I hate my teeth.  My whole life I've always been self conscious of my mouth.  Here's a little history with me and my teeth.  When I was a kid I hated brushing my teeth and I wouldn't do it if I could get away with it.  My teeth were pretty crooked and I had a baby tooth that never fell out, then it had a huge cavity in it and died and it turned gray.  My parents didn't get around to fixing that until my senior year of highschool.  That's when they finally decided to get me braces.  So my senior year of highschool up until I got married two and a half years later, I got to wear braces.  I hated it.  I look young for my age, but these braces REALLY made me look like a baby.
I got those suckers off 3 weeks before I was married and I was soooooo excited at how great my teeth looked.  Ever since, I have taken such good care of them.  I brush and floss and mouthwash every night just like you should.  But for some reason, every time I have a dental checkup there are more and more cavities.  I've only had one appt. in the past 5 years where I didn't have a cavity... and my mouth made up for it the next time by giving me 3.  I have a love hate relationship with my mouth.  I am loving to it and do everything I should but it just hates me back and give me stupid cavities.
I had a check up a couple of weeks ago and my poor dentist found 3 more cavities so I went in to have them filled yesterday.  He wanted to take 2 more x-rays and he freaking found TWO MORE!!!!! That's right.  So five cavities in the past 6 months.  What the freaking crap.  He filled 3 and I'll get the other 2 done in a couple of weeks.  I cried when I got home.
Today I get to go in and talk to Tod (he owns the dental office) and he's going to take the PH level of my mouth because apparently I might have acidic saliva along with my weak enamel.  Siiggghhhhh.  So fingers crossed that the dentist can get this figured out because this is just ridiculous.

Day 28: A year ago & now.. how I've changed

This is me a year ago.

Since this picture I have...

lost weight

gained more self confidence

changed jobs

changed wards

become the YW Pres.

remembered how to act like a kid

discovered my love for crafting

AND I've

Strengthened my relationship with

my awesome husband

my siblings

my parents on both sides

and my Heavenly Father

I have come to realize what things in life really matter and I think that has made me be a better person.

Day 22: What makes me different

How am I different?  

Well, I kind of live in my own little world.  

People that REALLY know me know that I'm just a five year old at heart.  

I love cartoons and animated movies.  

I just saw How To Train Your Dragon this weekend and it has to be one of the best I've seen lately. :) 

I don't try to keep up with all the fashion trends, I just wear what I like and what I think looks good on me.  

I really wish I was a better sewer and had a sewing machine because I totally want to make my own clothes... but I have a feeling it would be a tragic failure.

I care about my family and friends more than anything.
I want everyone to like me.  Over the past couple of years I've learned that this is impossible, but I still have a hard time accepting that.  I wish I didn't care but I do.

I have a garden and I love it.  

I feel so proud when I pull those carrots out of the ground or that ear of corn off the stalk knowing that I'm the one that helped them grow.  And they just taste so much better when you're the one that grew them. 

I love to craft things and make things look cute but I hate scrap booking.  I wish I loved it but I don't.  I decorated my entire house and love it when people comment on how nice it is.  
I have a piano that is over 100 years old.
One of my favorite things ever is when I meet someone that wants to be my friend.  I love all my friends and try not to take any of them for granted. 

I think that's good for now. :)

Day 19: My Nicknames and how I got them

My name is Jessica so I have the obvious nicknames of 

Jess and Jessie.  

Only people that knew me as a child get to call me this.  

Growing up I was also called Pope and Popey.  

For a little while I was called shorty since I'm so short.

My dad has called me his princess and 'pumpkin butt'.

At my old job they called me Sunshine and Goldilocks because of my blonde hair and sunny personality (lol)

Jared calls me sweetie.

Day 18: Plans, Dreams, and Goals of mine

It is no secret that one of my biggest plans, dreams AND goals is to be a mother.  I cannot WAIT for that experience.  :)  I feel like this is my purpose in life.  To bring little souls into this world to nurture and guide into being these wonderful people that will have such an impact on those around them.  I love seeing little newborn babies and I LOVE seeing pregnant women.  They have this glow about them that is absolutely stunning.  And their bellies are just so cute!  One day it will be my turn and I have a feeling that day is fast approaching.  I don't know if it will happen this year or next or five years from now.  But I am going to be a mother to some pretty amazing children.

A short term goal of mine is to lose this last bit of weight that is still clinging onto me.  I just purchased my bridesmaid dress for my sisters wedding and it is the same size that my wedding dress was.   I plan to lose 5 lbs. more before her wedding so I can look fabulous in it and then the last 10 will hopefully follow quickly after.  :)

A long term goal that I have is to get rid of all the debt that we have.  I plan to have everything paid off 18 months from now.  One and a half years.  The truck, the four wheeler, the credit card, the fridge.  All paid off.  It's going to happen.  And while I'm at it I think I'll bulk up my saving acct too.

Day 1: 15 Interesting Facts About ME

 

1. I am married to the best guy out there.  Sorry ladies.

2. I have 2 brothers and 3 sisters and I am the oldest of all of them.

3. I live next door to my in-laws... and I love it.

4. I am addicted to jalapeno cheetos.  I can't buy them anymore b/c I will eat the whole bag.

5. I love to be outside - picnicking, hiking, walking, gardening, you name it.

6. I am LDS.

7. I'm currently the Young Women President.  Not sure how I feel about that yet.

8. I love to bake for anyone or anything.

9. My family is the most important thing to me.

10. I attempted a garden last year and had pretty good results... but I can't seem to keep my flowers alive.  Apparently they need water. 

11. Some of my fav. foods are limes, cilantro, and avocados.

12. I have an orange tree, lemon tree, and lime tree in my yard.

13. I don't think I can live without google.

14. I have read the first 15 chapters of Genesis like 50 times.  I WILL read the whole Bible this year.

15. I've played the piano since I was 5.

Traditions

Every year since I've been married, Jared and I have gone back to STL to spend Christmas with my family.  It's so fun because my family is young compared to Jared's since there are still kids living at home.  Because Jared is the youngest in his family, he was never really able to experience many traditions other than having a big dinner on Christmas Eve.  He never tried to sneak into the living room to see his presents before his parents woke up, there isn't a story that's told every year... and so I think it's awesome that he's getting to experience these things with my family.  We are so stocked up on traditions it's hard to make any new ones.  
This is how our traditions go.  

Every year we draw one of our siblings names out of a hat and we get to make that person a gift for Christmas.  We draw the names in September so we have plenty of time to think about what we want to make for our person. 
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The Monday after Thanksgiving we put up the Christmas tree for our Home Evening.  
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We have an advent calender in the kitchen. 
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On Christmas Eve, when we wake up we try to say 'Christmas Eve Gift' to as many people as we can before they say it to us... that's a tradition that my dad has carried on from his family.  
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My mom prepares a special dinner for us to eat that night.  She likes to make it pretty and usually does a 
3 course meal. 
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Us kids put on a re-enactment of the birth of Jesus (this is also a tradition that my dad has carried on). 
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My dad reads a story called Jimmy Scarecrow and we LOVE how he changes his voice for the characters. 
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My mom reads The North Pole.  
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After all the stories are finished we all go upstairs to exchange presents by the Christmas tree. 
We get our jammies first :)  Every year my mom and dad give all of us kids new pajamas, or 'christmas jammies' as we like to call them, and we always go put them on as soon as they are opened.
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We exchange our persons presents.
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We get our present from the grandparents.

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Then we all pick out our 'spot' where we want Santa to leave our presents.
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All the kids have to sleep in the basement (I'm soooo glad I don't have to do this anymore since I'm married!!)
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Christmas morning, when we wake up we try to say 'Christmas Gift' to as many people before they say it to us.
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We always have Krispy Kreme donuts with either eggnog or chocolate milk for breakfast.

Then we all follow mom and dad upstairs and get to open our presents.
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My mom has a buffet that she puts out on the table so that we can snack on yummy food all day long whenever we want.

So basically we have a TON of traditions that we do and I absolutely LOVE it. :)  There are some traditions that we probably won't carry on and I'm sure Jared and I will come up with traditions of our own that we want to start in our little family.

So share! :) What are some traditions that you do in your own families?

25

Last month I turned 25.  This birthday was very weird for me because I wasn't looking forward to it at all.  25 feels old.  I've never felt old on any of my birthdays before.  I've decided that 25 is one of those years.  One of those years where you reflect on the goals you thought you would have accomplished at this point in life.  You reflect on what you've done with your life and where you are compared to where you thought you would be back when you were a kid.  For me, I thought that I was going to be married (which I am) to a doctor (which I'm not) and that my husband would be over 6 feet tall (he's 5'10 or 11'') have brown hair (it's blonde) and brown eyes (they're blue/green).  I thought I would have children, a girl that I was going to name Summer Lily and then twin boys, one named Michael Andrew and the other Brian Isaac.  Then I was going to adopt a little girl from Russia and I was going to name her Katya if she needed a name.  

It's funny how very off I was about my future.  I didn't marry the type of guy I thought I was going to, and honestly I am so very grateful that I didn't.  I am so needy when it comes to spending time together with Jared and if he would have been a doctor, then he would have had hardly any if any time for me at all.  I've decided that I love his blonde hair and he has some of the most rad eyes I've seen in my entire life.  And I don't mind that he isn't a giant because it's easier for me to give him kisses.

I didn't think that I would be living in California.  I guess I never really thought about where I would be living, but I always thought that I would live close to my family, which I do not.  

Tomorrow I will have been 25 for one month.  This whole time I have spent reflecting on how things didn't turn out the way I thought they would.  I've allowed myself to be upset by this until just recently.  Something happened that really opened my eyes and I now realize just how lucky I am that life hasn't turn out the way I thought it might.  Jared was worthy to take me to the temple.  He has a great family that loves me and mine loves him.  He's a builder and a fixer and a doer.  He is constantly creating new projects for himself and is a winner every day.  He has some great self esteem and passes it on to me and he openly tells me every day that he loves me.  He is my rock in every way possible and winning his heart is one of the greatest things that I have ever accomplished.  So what if I don't have kids yet?  I will one day.  Whether I have them myself or have to adopt them, I will have them.  I'm still young and I have plenty of time to be a mom.  It's okay that things aren't happening on my immature timeline... in fact, I think I'm pretty lucky that they aren't because it's given me even more time to have Jared 

all to myself. 

=)

New Directions

A little over a month ago I gave my notice at the job I had worked at for 4 years.  I loved the girls that I worked with so this was a hard thing for me to do.  4 weeks later I had my last day. 

Today I have been at my new job for about a week and I absolutely love it.  I now work for my mother-in-law at the business she owns that is located about a mile from my house. :)  I love that it takes me 2 minutes to get to work as opposed to the 40 min. drive that I used to have.  I love that I don't have to be to work until 8:00 am (instead of 7:30) which gives me time to workout in the morning, eat breakfast with my husband, and make him his lunch.  I love that I am done with work at 3:30 (instead of 4:30) so that I can do my grocery shopping or clean the house or water my flowers or do whatever I want and still have time to get dinner on the table between 5 and 5:30, which, I might add, Jared also loves.  I think I have cooked more in the past 2 weeks than I have in the past 2 months!  How sad is that?  

I don't think I ever realized how much stress I carried around with me from my job when I worked at Subaru.  I complained a lot, I didn't play around very much, and when I got home at night I would become this fixture on the couch that didn't move.  I just felt exhausted all of the time.  Now, I feel like a completely new me now.  Jared says I'm happier and that I joke more and that I'm just all around more fun to be around.  I love that.  I am all for this new direction that I am going. 

Cravings

I am a lover of food.  It's true.  My entire life I have always wondered how anyone could ever be anorexic.  I couldn't do it.  I love food too much!  Well, it's actually a love/hate relationship.  I love to eat and would probably do it all the time if it didn't have any repercussions.  However, my voluptuous hips and thunder thighs are a daily reminder to me that I have to control myself.  But I can't seem to help myself around the foods that I constantly crave.

I've recently stumbled across these wonderful little things and ever since I can't seem to get enough of them.  These cheetos are something that I'm craving almost every day.  I dont' know what it is about them but they are just divine.  I tell everyone about them and when they try them they agree with me. 

Yep.  They're delicious.  And yes, I did eat a bag today.

This little beauty, to those of you who haven't had the privilege of meeting, is a crab rangoon.  I haven't been able to find these anywhere outside of STL... so I will continue to crave them until December when I visit my family for xmas.

These are the reasons I love living in Socal.  In-N-Out and Tommy's whenever I want them.  Especially for my late night cravings... which I don't have often, but it is soooo convenient that these places are open late!

I'm a french fry addict.  Sorry, get your own because this is the one thing that I never learned how to share.

I love love love cilantro, limes and avocado.  They are wonderful by themselves and together they are bliss.  Thank you cali for your awesome weather so I can get these all year long!  I just planted a lime tree about a month ago and I can't WAIT until I start getting my very own limes! :)

Best ice cream ever.

Yes, these are the cravings that I will probably carry with me for the rest of my life.  The things that I will never be able to say no to.. I might be able to avoid them for awhile but once there right there in front of me there's no going back.  It's like that friend you have.. I think we all have one.  The one you love so dearly but is just a bad influence on you in some way.  But once she knocks on your door you can't help but let her in for a while.

In-N-Out

I have a really bad weakness for In-N-Out.  If ever I'm invited to go, I go.  If Jared and I are out and about and it's time to eat, to In-N-Out we go.  Everytime we go I always get a cheeseburger with lettuce and extra tomato only, french fries, and a water with no ice.  Very particular I know, but I figure if I get the cheeseburger without the sauce that I have now made it a healthy burger.  I have my dairy, veggies, protein, and carbs all in one very delicious burger.  Now the french fries are a different story I realize... there really is no way to make these deep fried delicatessens healthy for me, but I don't dip them in ketchup so that's good right?  And I never get them animal style (although they have to be tried animal style at least once in your lifetime.)  I accept that they will never be good for me but I still can't help but order them everytime I go.  My meal just doesn't seem complete without them.  And finally I get my water without ice in it because my teeth are sensitive and it hurts to drink water when it's too cold.
So lately I've been feeling like I've been missing something in my life, and today I realized that something is In-N-Out.  It's been about a month since I had it last so of course I had to have it for lunch today and I have to say that it was very divine.  It was exactly the taste that I wanted to have in my mouth.  Do you know what I mean?  Sometimes I just want to have a particular taste in my mouth and when I get it right it makes me so happy!  So now I'm going to have to go running tonight to work off my very delicious lunch.  Was it worth it you ask?  Yes, yes it was.

Time

Time can be a funny thing.  Sometimes it goes by so quickly and other times it just seems to drag on.  I remember when I was in elementary school the weekends seemed so long.  Then as I got into highschool they went much too fast.  The school year used to take forever to finally end and summer left too soon.  I remember always wanting to be older than I was and it seemed like ages before I finally turned 16, the year I coveted because I could start dating and get my driver's license.  I thought it doesn't get much better than this right?  Then I...

• got a job
• graduated highschool
• moved to Utah
• met Jared
• married Jared...

and I can't help but keep wondering what has happened to the last 3.5 years of my life. I know I've had fun. I know I've accomplished a lot of things. But in comparison to the rest of my life, time has turned into this lightening round that I feel like I can barely keep up with. Before I know it it's the beginning of a new year again, it's already my birthday again, and I feel like 'didn't we just have Christmas?' by the time it's Christmastime again. I want to unwrap the mystery of time so that I can figure out how to slow it down a little bit. I want to feel like I can relish each moment before I move on to another. I want to feel like my evenings are long and relaxing, not short and hectic. I want to have time to do anything and everything I want... maybe I just need to quit my job, haha.