Fun at the park

My child loves the park

 

and he loves his dad

He loves the swings

But most of all he loves the slide. Or the 'wee' as he calls it :)

Sunday, he went down the slide ALL BY HIMSELF for the first time.

Part of me is sad because it just reminds me that he's growing up and it's one more thing that he doesn't need my help with... but at the same time I am SO PROUD of how big my little guy is getting and just how far he's come.
Wyatt, you amaze me.

Big boy bed

In a couple of weeks, I'll {hopefully} be pregnant.

As soon as I'm pregnant, I'll be on a modified bedrest.

Modified bedrest means no picking up anything heavier than 5 lbs.

Wyatt is over 5 lbs.

This got me thinking.  How in the heck am I supposed to get this kid down for a nap every day?!  Daddy can get him up in the morning and put him down for bed at night... but I'm the only one here with him at nap time during the week.  I kept getting the feeling that I really needed to get him in a toddler bed.  But almost everyone I know with kids Wyatt's age are still in cribs right now.  Keep them caged as long as you can right?  This last Thursday I finally decided to just do it.  So I told Jared to get out the conversion kit out so I could get it changed over.

After Wyatts nap I pulled his crib out from the wall and took off the crib parts.  And OH. MY. GOSH.  There was skin everywhere.  I do a pretty good job of vacuuming his bed out every other day, but his skin got through the crooks and crannies of the crib down to the parts you can't get to unless you take it apart.  I mean, it was bad.  It made me feel like I need to take his whole bed apart one a month just to get it thoroughly cleaned out... but that's not realistic.  There's way too many things on my to do list to spend 3 hours doing that. :/

Anyway, Wyatt stayed in the room with me the whole time, running laps around his bed, trying to jack the screwdriver from me, and climbing up on whatever he could.  When everything was finished and I pushed the bed up on the wall, Wyatt tried to climb up onto it... but he's too short, haha.  I helped him find his stool and with a little help from me, he was able to get up on his bed.  He sat there for a minute with a big smile on his face, and then climbed down.  Then he climbed back up, and down, and up, and down.  Threw his blankets off, then put them back on and laid on all of them.  He was definitely excited to be able to get in bed all by himself.

Friday night was Wyatt's first night in his big boy bed.

I sat in bed with him and we read a nighttime story, something I've never been able to do before.  And then I rocked him while he drank his night bottle.  I put him down and he was so tired he barely made it over to his bed.  He laid down on his tummy, I tucked him in, then closed the door.

I haven't had the baby monitor on in forever, but with him being in a 'new' bed, I wanted to listen to make sure he didn't get out of bed and start playing with toys.  Within 20 minutes, that baby boy was sound asleep.  I checked on him several times throughout the night, and had to move him back up the bed twice, but my big boy didn't get out of his bed even once.

3 nights and 3 naps later, he's still sleeping like a champ.

He doesn't even get out of bed until I go in his room to get him!

I wonder if he even realizes he's able to get out all by himself...

I'm not going to question it though! I'm going to enjoy this while it lasts, because I'm positive it's not going to last like this forever :)

FET {frozen embryo transfer}

Yesterday my period started!  So today I went in for an appointment.

I had a blood draw to test my hormone levels and an ultrasound to make sure my uterine lining is thinning like normal.  My uterus checked out and this afternoon I received a call giving me a green light from my bloodwork.

We are a GO!

I was really hoping my love affair with injections had come to an end, but was dismayed to learn that frozen embryo transfers also require needle time.  I have to give an estrogen injection in my butt every 3 days.  And the needle is friggin huge.  I was told it's going to hurt because of where it is and because the fluid is thick.  Boo.  At least it's only every 3 days.

I go in for my next appt. on the 27th and the transfer is tentatively scheduled for April 2nd.  I'M SO EXCITED!!!  I really hope this works.  I'm anxious for my family to grow.

In just over 2 weeks I could be pregnant!

Wyatt could be a big brother this year :)

Day 5 embryos update/genetic test results

I know I know, day 5 for my growing embryos was last Monday.  I'm super lame.

So the 3/8 update left us with 9 fresh embryos still growing and all 6 of my frozen embryos successfully thawed and growing, for a total of 15 embryos.

This number always drops between day 3 and day 5 because the embryos with genetic mutations often stop growing and don't make it to blastocyst.  I was hoping to have 8-10 embryos on day 5.

So Monday afternoon {the 10th} I got too impatient to wait anymore and called my coordinator.  She had just received the report and had it right in front of her to give me the results.

Of the 9 fresh embryos we had, 4 stopped growing, leaving us with 5.

Of the 6 thawed embryos we had, 5 stopped growing, leaving us with 1.

So a total of 6 left.

I'm not gonna lie... I was kind of crushed.  I was hoping for a higher number in case there were a lot of the embryos that were 'abnormal', which I wouldn't know until after the genetic test results came back.

I don't know why but this whole IVF cycle I keep getting down on myself.  I keep thinking that maybe I should have waited another month.  Maybe then my body would have reacted a little better.  I tried having, what I thought, were reasonable expectations for each step of the process... but I compared everything to my last cycle, and as many who have tried IVF multiple times can attest, each cycle is NOT the same.  I get it now.  I know part of my problem is I didn't mentally set myself up to handle failure like I did last time.  My expectations were simply too high.  Or, I should have gone into this having no expectations and take everything one baby step at a time.
Jared told me to stop being so negative and that everything will be fine.

The very next morning, first thing, I received a call with the genetic test results.
5 of the 6 embryos tested NORMAL!!!  FIVE!  Only one embryo was abnormal.  This is kind of huge.  For someone my age about half the embryos come back abnormal.  My dr. told me that my results are right in there with the 22 year olds and I'm shooting with one hand behind my back {since I only have one ovary}.  I am ecstatic about those results and definitely feeling a lot better.
The embryos are all 'high quality' and I have about an 80% chance of getting pregnant with each one.
Oh yeah... and we know the genders :)
2 boys and 3 girls!

Now I just have to wait for my period to start and we can get this party started.

Day 3 embryo update

I live by the idea that 8 is my lucky number.  Everything good happens with 8’s.  So by default today’s update should be a good one right?  

  Lucky for me, the nurse from HRC called first thing this morning, around 8:30.  Yay!  Early morning updates are the best because then you don't have to wait around all day wondering :)  She started by telling me that all they had thawed the 6 embryos that were from my last IVF cycle and that all 6 survived the thaw, wahoo!!!  Amazing news!  Then followed by saying I had a total of 9 embryos still growing and that I would get my next update on Monday.   

Wait… what? Nine?   

I made her repeat everything to make sure I heard that right and sure enough, she said nine.  

 So I said, you’re telling me that six of my nine fresh embryos just stopped growing???!  I don’t understand.  I felt immediately devastated and like I had just wasted a TON of money and put my body through hell for nothing.  

 If 6 had already stopped growing, the 3 that were left were for sure goners.  Between days 3 and 5 is where the numbers are supposed to drop a little.  Not between 1 and 3!  What had gone wrong?!  I kept questioning her and she told me that she was just telling me what the report said and that she could double check with the embryologist if I would like.  Um, yes I would like.   

We hung up, I had a melt down and about 5 minutes later she called back apologizing that she had misread the report.  All 6 frozen embryos survived and all 9 fresh embryos are still growing beautifully for a total of 15 embryos growing right now.  Now that’s what I’m talking about!  Much better news!  Between the phone call and waiting for a call back, that was definitely a crazy 10 minutes.  My emotions were all over the place.  Hopefully she hasn't made that mistake with too many other patients... but at least it was a mistake that had better results in the end than what she first came at me with!

Anyway, I’ll find out on Monday how many are still growing, I’m hoping between 8-10, and I should get the results from the biopsy back later that week.  We’re looking at doing the transfer sometime in April.  Beginning of April if my body cooperates, middle to end of April if it doesn’t.  So there’s a slim chance I could still have a baby this year.  Yay!

Now I just need to keep my fingers crossed that my body cooperates from here forward...

Nine!

Yesterday I was elated to find out that NINE of my eleven eggs successfully fertilized.

NINE!!!

That's 20% better than the results from the last cycle {11 & 9 vs. 13 & 8}

So far we're up one embryo from last time.

I'll get an update tomorrow morning with how they're growing and if any have stopped growing.  I think usually by day 3 all are still growing great, it's between days 3 & 5 that the numbers will drop off a bit... hopefully only a bit.  Like, an itty bitty bit.

We do still have 6 embryos that are leftover from last time.  Those embryos are currently frozen and will be thawed out tomorrow and everything will be allowed to grow for 2 more days so that I have all day 5 embryos.  Whatever has survived at that point will be biopsied and then immediately frozen.  So that's a potential of up to 15 embryos IF everything survives.  Which I don't expect.  So I'm hoping that between 8-10 will be biopsied and that of those, there will be at least 3-4 usable embryos.

Sigh.

So much to think about.

Wyatt fell

Having a kid with ichthyosis... I'm always afraid of Wyatt falling.  Falling for Wyatt doesn't mean a little scrap or bruise.  It means a chunk of skin is going to come off.

Well, yesterday it happened.  Wyatt fell.

Not the normal trip over your shoes and face plant in the carpet.  This was a legit, fall of the couch and bang your head on the step stool on the way fall.  Oh my gosh I don't know if I've ever heard this little guy scream as loud as he did then.  I immediately picked him up and tried to comfort him but he wanted nothing to do with hugs, or back rubs or kisses.  So I set him down so he could shake it out.  He kicked around on the ground for a second, then stood up and walked back and forth a few times shouting baby profanity, and then he finally came back into my arms.

I brought him into the bathroom to survey the damage and discovered that, during his fall, his head turned and he had whacked his ear on the stool.  Ouch buddy!  Skin was peeled back and the wound was weeping a little bit.  I got him distracted with random bathroom items and removed the peeled away skin as best I could, then I made sure we didn't rough and tumble play any more that day.  He seems to be okay and acting completely normal.  Thank goodness he didn't get a concussion!

This isn't a great shot of it, but this is how his owie looked this morning

It hurts me to just look at that picture.  Poor kid!

 Excuse the bed hair, he hadn't gotten ready for the day yet. :)

Egg retrieval round 2

I had my egg retrieval this morning!
I forgot how much cramping you experience after, ouch!

But let me back up for a second... so I had an ultrasound on Monday and my dr. was very happy with the size of follicles that he could see.  He measured 7 but said he thinks we should be able to get double digits at the retrieval.  He set the retrieval date for today, the 5th, and the transfer was scheduled for the 11th.  Later in the afternoon I received a call from one of the nurses on the nurse team.  She told me that they had gotten the results back for my bloodwork from Sunday and Monday, that my progesterone levels were too high and that Dr. Wilcox had recommended freezing all embryos following the retrieval.  Then she just stopped talking.  Um what?  I was like okaaaay, so what does that mean.  And she just repeated that my progesterone levels were too high so the dr had recommended freezing all embryos following the retrieval.  A million questions were running through my mind.

So does this mean the transfer isn't happening?

What does having high progesterone mean?  What does it have to do with all of this?

How did I get high progesterone?

Is there anything that I could have done to prevent this?

What does all of this mean?

When do I get to transfer the embryos?

WILL I get to transfer the embryos?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND!  NO ONE TOLD ME THIS COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN!

I got a grip and asked her what the new plan is then.  When would I be able to do a transfer?  

She said that after the retrieval, I would stop all meds except the antibiotic.  The embryos would grow to day 5, then be genetically tested and frozen.  My body needs to 'reset' and once I start my next period we can go forward with doing a frozen embryo transfer. I still had a lot of questions but to everything else all she would say is that I could ask my dr. any/all questions I had at my appt. on Wednesday.  K. Thanks for the bad news.

I equate the feeling I had with this phone call to how I felt when I was trying to get pregnant naturally.  Great, another negative pregnancy test, guess we'll try again in a month.  The waiting game is the worst.

My day wasn't all bad news though.  My friend Heather sent me an edible arrangement that was so yum!  And incredibly thoughtful.  It totally brightened my day and made me feel super loved.

And Wyatt, being the awesome kid he is, must have known I was having a terrible day because he was amazing that day.  He actually ate fruit.  My child, that won't eat fruits or veggies in their natural state {basically, they must be pureed or hidden in other food} at a grape from the edible arrangement.  And then he ate another, then another.  What?  So I decided to try cantaloupe, ate it.  Honeydew, ate it. Strawberry, took a bite and made a face, but didn't spit that bite out.  Pineapple, ate it.  Later that night I tried apple and he ate 2 whole slices!  This is HUGE for me!  I've felt like the worst mom ever for the longest time because I can't get my kid to eat fruits or veggies.  For Wyatt, I know it's not a flavor thing, it's a texture thing, so I'm really hoping this means that he decided that he's ok with those types of textures. :)  The cherry on top is that Wyatt matched all the shapes on his colored shapes puzzles the first time for every shape.  YAY!!! 

Monday night/Tuesday morning I did my hCG shot at 12:45 am since my appt for the retrieval was at 11:45 today.  {It has to be given exactly 35 hours prior to retrieval} That shot hurts, but this time it didn't hurt as much as I remember it hurting from last time so that's awesome.

I started my antibiotic yesterday and basically just laid on the couch all day because it made me super nauseous.  Boo.  

So now for today.  Today I wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything after midnight until after the procedure.  The retrieval was at 11:45 so I fully expected myself to be in a full hangry rage.  Fortunately I was not.  I was actually really calm today compared to the past few weeks.  Maybe because I'm not injecting myself with all those hormones anymore?  I don't know.  We got to our appt. at 10:45 and I was called back to get prepped for the procedure, then Jared went to the special room so he could make his donation.

Romantic, I know.

As soon as I was called back I was all nerves.  I changed into the gown and put my hair in those awesomely fashionable blue hair cap thingy's.  I laid back on the bed and was hooked up to a bunch of monitors to get my vitals.  Yep, heart rate was like 85.  So then I tried breathing in and out really slow to help bring it down but I could not get that sucker under 81.

After 45'ish minutes I was lead over to the procedure room?  I don't know what they call it.  I smiled to myself because Adele was on the radio, and it made me feel better.  {Adele was on the radio during my last retrieval & it went really well, so I took it as a good omen.}

It took 2 different people to get my IV in because I hadn't been allowed to drink anything that day.  I get dehydrated easily and my veins kind of suck to begin with.  Anyway they finally got it and didn't have to dig too much on the second attempt.  Dr. Wilcox came in when the anesthesiologist came in & asked how I was doing.  So I told him I was nervous.  Of course, he reassured me that everything was going to be great and he expected to get a good number of eggs.  While the anesthesiologist explained everything, Dr. Wilcox sat down and held my feet to make them warm.  Seriously, it's the little things with this guy.  He is SO thoughtful and caring about all of his patients... I wonder if he remembers my embarrassing confession from last time about how I love how his hands are always warm, haha}  I remember asking the anesthesiologist how long it took for the medicine to kick in once she injected it into the IV and she said, I don't know, you tell me.  I immediately started getting fuzzy and was completely out within, I don't know, 5 seconds.  It was fast.

Next thing I know, I'm being wheeled into the recovery room & they're asking me how I'm doing.  Maybe 10 minutes later Dr Wilcox came over, grabbed Jared, and talked to us about everything.

He was able to get 11 eggs.  I'm a little disappointed with that number because it isn't as high as last time, but Dr. Wilcox told me that this is a better retrieval than last time because all of the eggs are bigger, and look to be good quality.

They'll call tomorrow with the results of how many of the eggs successfully fertilized {I'm hoping at least 8-10!}.  Then, like the nurse told me on Monday, they'll grow for 5 days, whatever is still growing will be biopsied then flash frozen.  We'll get the genetic test results back within 3-4 days and then we'll start a frozen embryo cycle after I get my, you know, cycle.

Last time we were able to get 13 eggs and 8 fertilized, however we opted to not do ICSI last time and this time we are, so I'm hopeful that this will be a good cycle even though it's not moving on the time frame that we had initially planned.

So that's where we're at.  I spent all day on the couch 'recovering'.  I have the worst cramps I've had in since I can remember.  But I got to have yummy recovery food.  Double pan fried noodles & Candied shrimp with walnuts from PF Changs.  YUM!  And we got cupcakes from Dots Cupcakes.  I probably ate like 3000 calories today.  Oh well.  It was worth it ;)

Michael's 2nd birthday

On Valentine's Day Michael would have turned 2 years old had he survived, instead we celebrated the day he came into and left our lives but never our hearts.

This year we celebrated Michael's birthday by planting 2 pear trees. A Red Pear for Michael since his birthday is Valentines Day and a Bartlett Pear for Wyatt because everyone likes a Bartlett Pear.
A pair of pear trees is said to represent the everlasting bond between a "pair" of people who are truly in love, and I can think of no better way to honor Wyatt & his twin brother Michael.

We have been planning for some time now to plant a tree for Michael.  While doing research into what kind of tree I would get, I found that most trees are 2-3 years old when you purchase them from a nursery.  We decided to wait until the 2 year mark and get a 2 year old tree so Michael's age could be accurately represented.

I love having little reminders of Michael around the house.  Even though he isn't physically here with us, it's nice to feel like he's still a part of our lives.

Right now my little pear trees are just 2 sticks in the ground, but within a couple of years, I'll be able to see Michael's tree in full bloom from my kitchen window.

InVitro Round 2

I'm 2 weeks in to my second round of IVF!

I had the ultrasound that gave me the green light on Valentines Day, started the fertility drugs on the 19th and have been on them ever since.  This cycle has been kind of a crazy one for us.  First of all it's been more nerve racking because we've had more decisions to make, second, it's waaaay more expensive this time because we've opted to do genetic testing, and third, things have not been going to plan which has made it higher stress, which of course isn't so great when you're trying to conceive.

At my appointment last Tuesday, my dr. came in, did the ultrasound, and practically ran out of the room when it was over.  Not.  Good.  I left with a million knots in my stomach and kind of freaked out.  I knew it was a bad appointment.

At my appointment on Friday, when I was called back to a room, my dr. was standing outside of my room going through my chart.  Usually I wait for my dr. not vice versa, so I was immediately caught off guard and not sure how to react.  He started talking to me about my last cycle and making comparisons with this one, then he stepped out so I could get undressed really quick.  I barely had enough time to rip my pants off and was still trying to get myself covered with that paper sheet when he walked back into the room.  He told me that he needed to find me a tiara because I am THE most expensive patient he's ever had to stimulate.  Evidently he's never had a case like me before.  I'm only 28 and should react just fine to the meds, but my body has been kind of resistant to them so I've had to be on the half again longer and taking 2-3x more meds than most women my age.  When he started the ultrasound he immediately smiled and kind of did one of those whole body sighs of relief.  I could see the follicles much bigger on the screen so I asked him if things were going better.  He confessed that he was actually going to cancel me today but that things seem to be going much better.  And with my history of responding slowly to the meds he is going to keep me on and have me do 3-4 more days of the meds.  

So things are taking longer than planned... but at least I'm not getting cancelled!  I've injected over $4K worth of fertility meds into my body so far that would have just been gone to waste.  PHEW!

I figured out that it costs me approximately $620 a DAY just in fertility meds.  Ridiculous right?  Luckily for me, I have a friend that did a round of IVF last year and had about 20 vials of menopur that she sent to me.  That saved me $1500!  That helped a lot since my insurance doesn't cover any of this {which btw I think they should.  If they cover abortions, they should cover fertility options... but I won't even get started on that}

I go back in tomorrow for one more ultrasound before the egg retrieval date is set, but we're thinking it will be Wednesday, the 5th.  Eek!  If the retrieval is Wednesday, then I'll have the embryo transfer on the 11th and will have my pregnancy test on March 21st.

In 19 days I'll know if I get to be a mommy again!

Adding speech therapy

A couple of months ago Wyatt was evaluated for speech therapy.

I was really nervous for this evaluation.

Van, Wyatt's regional center supervisor told me we needed to wait until Wyatt was at least 18 months old so that his chances of being approved were better.

The lady that came out was really nice and tried to get Wyatt to play with her, but he was pretty clingy to me the whole time.  She asked a lot of questions and then told me that unofficially she thought he would benefit from speech therapy but needed to go through everything before she could officially recommend him.  A few weeks later we heard back that he had been approved to receive Speech once a week.  Yay!!!  We started as soon as our Christmas vacation was over.

At that point Wyatt was saying momma, dada, kitty and this.  In the last month of therapy Wyatt has started imitating almost everything that we say and is up to 15-20 words!  I'm am SO proud of my little man!  His therapist does a really good job working with him and has a routine that she goes through every week, which I LOVE, because it's teaching him good life skills.

So now Wyatt has physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy and an infant teacher.  Phew!  Thank goodness they all come to us!  That's one of the benefits of him being high risk for infection I guess.  I'll take it.  :)

He still babbles most of the time but it's getting easier and easier to pick out some of the words he's using.  In this clip it's mostly, tickle, and back up {we're working on walking backwards}

Digging myself back up

So for awhile now I've been wanting to get back on here and up to date with blogging.  I'll sit down to write something and end up staring at the keyboard not knowing how to form the words I want to say.  Or I won't even make it to the keyboard because I can't pry myself off the couch or away from my always needy little toddler.  For awhile we were just been crazy busy and I didn't have time for anything extra, but over the last few weeks things have finally slowed down a little and I've found myself just feeling sad all of the time.  I've decided that I might be depressed {I've been diagnosed with depression 3x before & it runs in my family}.  I don't want to be depressed again and I hate taking the anti-depression pills so I've also decided that it's time I try to pull myself out of the funk I'm in.

It's time to stop feeling sorry for myself and it's time to stop feeling like nothing in this world can go right.  I've got it pretty good and I need to learn how to focus on the positives again.

I have an amazing husband who is incredibly loving and supportive of me.  I have a miracle baby who brings so much joy {and screaming} into this little house of mine.  I'm fortunate to be able to stay at home with Wyatt and be his primary caregiver and a homemaker.  I have friends again, oh how I missed having friends that lived nearby and I finally have them again :)

This list could go on forever and ever.  I'm so very blessed, and while life can have ups and down it's time to stop complaining about all the downs and focus on the ups.