One year ago today my life was turned upside down.
Up until that point everything had been going perfect... er... as perfect as 'life' can go I guess.
Jared and I had hiccups trying to get pregnant naturally, but IVF had worked for us. And the first time. Not only had it worked, but both of my precious embryos attached and grew into little tinies. Or, as I liked to call them, my " little bean sprouts".
I successfully made it through the first trimester. The odds of miscarrying had gone down to 2% after I reached 14 weeks so I figured I was in the clear. I finally let myself relax a little. I started planning the nursery, filling my pinterest page with cute twin things. Jared and I picked boy and girl names that we liked. 16 weeks came along and I convinced my dr. to try and determine the genders. Things started to become real and I really thought everything was going to be okay... And then my water broke.
It was so hard for me to accept that there was absolutely nothing I could do for Michael. I'm his mom. I'm supposed to protect him and make sure he is safe and healthy. I had waited for him for so long, how could I lose him now? But too much fluid had been lost and it was only a matter of time.
Jared and I experienced miracles during my 10 days in the hospital and in the end we were blessed with Wyatt's survival, but somehow it doesn't make it any easier to have lost one of our little boys. {It does make us all the more grateful for Wyatt though.}
I didn't allow myself to really grieve the loss of Michael until after Wyatt came. Since his arrival, I have had my sad days where I deal with it... it's still a little tough for me to see families with twin boys. It's hard to stop myself from being a little jealous. I feel like my body failed me, twice. I couldn't carry Michael long enough for him to survive and I barely carried Wyatt long enough. But I can safely say that after a year I'm starting to heal. I'm starting to get to a place where I can just be happy for others.
It was so hard for me to accept that there was absolutely nothing I could do for Michael. I'm his mom. I'm supposed to protect him and make sure he is safe and healthy. I had waited for him for so long, how could I lose him now? But too much fluid had been lost and it was only a matter of time.
Jared and I experienced miracles during my 10 days in the hospital and in the end we were blessed with Wyatt's survival, but somehow it doesn't make it any easier to have lost one of our little boys. {It does make us all the more grateful for Wyatt though.}
I didn't allow myself to really grieve the loss of Michael until after Wyatt came. Since his arrival, I have had my sad days where I deal with it... it's still a little tough for me to see families with twin boys. It's hard to stop myself from being a little jealous. I feel like my body failed me, twice. I couldn't carry Michael long enough for him to survive and I barely carried Wyatt long enough. But I can safely say that after a year I'm starting to heal. I'm starting to get to a place where I can just be happy for others.
I'm sorry if I am one of the ones who have made it hard for you...
ReplyDeleteI love following your journey as my boys are the same age. I too have had a loss though.
I was 21 weeks when my water broke and I lost Eleanna after our first IVF. Sometimes it's even hard for me to be happy about the boys because I miss her so much. This most certainly is not all the time, but when we hit her milestones is when it seem the worst.
I can only imagine that those feeling are magnified by loosing a twin. I also feel cheated because I don't have a girl...
Anyhow my thoughts are with you as you take this time to remember Michael. ((hugs))
Rachel, you're so sweet! And no worries, you haven't made it hard for me! You went through quite a bit yourself to get your boys here. {But I might be just the tiniest bit jealous lol!} I'm learning that everyone has a different struggle to go through and that I can't compare my life to other peoples lives. My challenges were made special just for me and no one else. I still have twin boys... I just get to raise one in this life and one in the next. Thanks so much for your kind words!
DeleteSo true, and you go right ahead a be jealous... ;) you deserve it...just don't linger there...
ReplyDeleteIt is so amazing to me how God leads us on with our challenges. I know that had I not had such a struggle getting pregnant I would not have embraced the loss of Eleanna the way that I did. Just having her with me that short time was amazing and I can't wait for the day that I get to see her face again. Until then I hold my little boys close and dream of my little girl in heaven.