Sending off the lantern

I love our new tradition of sending off a sky lantern for how old Michael turns every year. We let it go in a park by our house that's in a more industrial area and next to a golf course so there weren't buildings nearby. The lantern flew perfectly and probably went 1000 feet high before the light finally winked out.
This is going to be such a fun way to celebrate him every year :)

Happy birthday baby

Dear Michael,

I can't believe it's already been a whole year since we lost you.  A lot has been going on down here, but you're still on my mind every day.  I remember the day you were born so well it's almost like it was just last week.  Daddy held you in his hands and looked at you with so much love in his eyes.  He didn't want to give your little body back to the nurse.  I wish I would have held you... I wish I would have looked at you a little longer... maybe it's better that I didn't.  Your earthly body was in pretty bad shape and this way I only remember your perfections.  We bonded differently, you and I, and I'll always have that.

It's been hard not having you around.  I think of you every day, but mostly at night time, or early in the morning when I'm rocking Wyatt.  I bet you would have liked rocking in that rocking chair with me.  I'm a pretty good rocker.  It makes me sad that I'll never get to snuggle with you, but I just try to remind myself that you are in a better place. 

There are little things around the house that remind me of you, but it's in a happy way, like the Willow Tree family your daddy gave me for Valentines day.  And I often look at Wyatt and wonder how alike you two would look if you were still here.  I can tell you love your brother so much!  I can sometimes feel your presence around him.  The first few months of his life I could feel you around him all the time. You aren't around as much as you used to be, but maybe that's just because Heavenly Father needs you more than Wyatt does now.  You are such a good brother for being there for Wyatt when he needed you.  Thanks for being a big boy and watching out for your little brother.

A few weeks ago daddy took me out riding in Glamis to the place where we wanted to spread your ashes.  For awhile now I've been questioning whether or not I wanted to go through with it.  When we got there daddy and I looked at eachother and decided we want to keep you at home with us.  Spreading your ashes just feels so final.  Even though you aren't here with us, I want to always feel like your spirit is.  One night while daddy and I were in Glamis we looked up to see chinese sky lanterns in the sky.  As I watched those little lanterns float through the air I thought of you.  So every year for your birthday, we're going to send off one sky lantern for how many years old you are.  Since you aren't here to make your wish, I'll make one for you, I'm pretty sure I know what you would wish for.

Happy birthday baby,
Mommy loves you.

The last ultrasound

This was the last ultrasound of our two boys together.

I recorded it because Jared was at work and I wanted him to be able to see it.

 

How has a year already gone by?

One year ago today...

One year ago today my life was turned upside down.

Up until that point everything had been going perfect... er... as perfect as 'life' can go I guess.

Jared and I had hiccups trying to get pregnant naturally, but IVF had worked for us.  And the first time.  Not only had it worked, but both of my precious embryos attached and grew into little tinies.  Or, as I liked to call them, my " little bean sprouts".

I successfully made it through the first trimester.  The odds of miscarrying had gone down to 2% after I reached 14 weeks so I figured I was in the clear.  I finally let myself relax a little.  I started planning the nursery, filling my pinterest page with cute twin things.  Jared and I picked boy and girl names that we liked.  16 weeks came along and I convinced my dr. to try and determine the genders.  Things started to become real and I really thought everything was going to be okay... And then my water broke.

It was so hard for me to accept that there was absolutely nothing I could do for Michael.  I'm his mom.  I'm supposed to protect him and make sure he is safe and healthy.  I had waited for him for so long, how could I lose him now?  But too much fluid had been lost and it was only a matter of time. 

Jared and I experienced miracles during my 10 days in the hospital and in the end we were blessed with Wyatt's survival, but somehow it doesn't make it any easier to have lost one of our little boys.  {It does make us all the more grateful for Wyatt though.}

I didn't allow myself to really grieve the loss of Michael until after Wyatt came.  Since his arrival, I have had my sad days where I deal with it... it's still a little tough for me to see families with twin boys.  It's hard to stop myself from being a little jealous.  I feel like my body failed me, twice.  I couldn't carry Michael long enough for him to survive and I barely carried Wyatt long enough.  But I can safely say that after a year I'm starting to heal.  I'm starting to get to a place where I can just be happy for others.

Knees & Toes

I was playing around with my camera tonight and took some cute bath pictures of Wyatt

Then I bribed Jared to take over and stuck the super zoom lens on the camera while Jared was lubing Wyatt up with aquaphor after his bath.  I don't know why I hadn't thought of using this lens before!  I have to stand farther away from Wyatt, but I can zoom in SO far and get pretty good detail.  It's always so hard for me to get a good shot of what Wyatt's skin looks like, but this lens does a pretty amazing job.

This is what his left knee and foot look like right now

 Since the weather has been crazy and kind of all over the place it's been really hard to keep on top of Wyatts skin.  He's been getting a lot of extra lotion and the humidifier has been running at full capacity for about a week now.  Luckily it rained last night so there's more moisture in the air at the moment.  I've noticed that his skin has a routine that it goes through, it looks great, then slowly builds up, then looks super bad, then it gets really peely, and just when I'm about to give up hope on it looking better, it starts looking better, and then it looks awesome, then it starts to build up...  at least that's how it's been so far and this cycle seems to take several weeks to go through.  I feel so bad for Wyatt when he gets to the part where there's a lot of skin buildup and it starts to get peely.  He gets really deep cracks in his hands and feet that look like they really hurt.  You can see one of the cracks on his ankle in the picture above.  I'll try to remember to take pictures of his skin when it starts looking awesome again so I can do a side by side comparison.

So Wyatt made a new friend this weekend!

 This little guys mom and I have been friends for awhile now and finally met for the first time this weekend!  D is a preemie just like Wyatt and it was so fun to see his cute little face in person.  I just love his curls!  Wyatt was, of course, in serious face mode and was not about to pose for a picture {and Jared doesn't like taking a hundred million just to get the perfect 'one'}

I know Wyatt has a big head for the size of his body, but it was kind of funny seeing just how giant it is compared to other babies his adjusted age.  I don't know if I've mentioned it but, his body isn't on the charts yet, and his head is somewhere between the 10th and 25th percentile for his adj. age {6.5 months}  I say that just means he is going to be super smart... right?

It suits him :)

To finish our weekend, daddy decided it's never too early to start learning about 4 wheelers and read about them to Wyatt.