Nervous

I'm feeling so nervous right now I feel like I could puke.  I am so terrified to do in vitro... I'm really freaking out inside.  I'm trying to keep cool about everything.  Yeah, I can't get pregnant the normal way.  I say I'm broken down there so it sounds funny to me.  I try to make light of the situation... but the truth is, I'm scared... and sad... nervous... I hate that Jared and I can't just, surprise!, one day be pregnant.  I hate that I have to get a million tests done and that they have to take my eggs and his sperm and mix it together like it's some kind of science experiment.  Why can't I just get pregnant through the act of our love?
I'm afraid that we're going to go through all of this to no avail.  That it won't work.  I know I shouldn't think this way, but I can't help it.  What if it doesn't work?  What if months from now and tens of thousands of dollars later, our family is no bigger than it is right now.  I like that Jared and I can just run around and play and go on vacations with no one to worry about but ourselves... but we're both ready to be parents.  We're ready to see our family start growing.  We want to see what our little babies our going to look like.  Who's ears they got, or who's mouth... what color their hair and eyes will be.  Will they have Jared's patience or my free spirit?
We don't talk about it a lot, Jared and I... I'm not sure why.  It's probably better that we don't.  I've heard that stuff like this effects people's marriages and that's the last thing that I want.

Sorry for the downer post, I'm just really feeling it today and had to write it out.

Getting my health insurance and now having some money to start this is making it all very real for me.