Yesterday was a real eye opener for me.
I have no idea what I'm up against.
Up until this point there has been a teeny part of me that just keeps hoping and believing that this is just going to go away. Wyatt is just going to heal up and his skin is going to get all better. Those doctors are going to be wrong, his skin is going to be just fine.
After seeing what happened to his hand after holding it, and his body after simply being washed... that hope was squashed.
This isn't going to go away.
This isn't a dream.
This is real life.
Right now life is a little too real for me.
I like to live in a world where everything is okay and everyone is happy.
Well, everything isn't okay.
And I can honestly say that I am not 100% happy.
My little boy has a skin condition that he is going to struggle with for the rest of his life.
My little boy has a skin condition that I need to figure out how to care for.
My little boy has a skin condition that has caused him pain every day of his little life and I can't take it away from him.
I can do all the research I want, but it won't prepare me for this reality that I now live in.
I feel torn in two, because I feel like the luckiest mom in the world to be blessed with a wonderful husband and we made a beautiful son. But the other half of me is wondering why it all has to be so hard.
I'm trying not to question why... but part of me can't help it.
Why did we have to do IVF?
Why did we have to lose Michael?
Why did this have to be such a hard pregnancy?
Why does Wyatt have to have this skin condition?
...this year sucks.
But this year is also awesome because we have Wyatt.
It's weird having feelings that are so polar opposite that it leaves me not sure how to feel at the end of the day. People have said that they are impressed with how strong Jared and I have been through all of this. That they think we are handling all of this really well...
I'm trying to be strong for Wyatt and I know Jared is too... but I don't feel like I'm as strong as I need to be.
It's a good thing I have a really great husband to help me keep it all together.
We will be better people because of this experience... it's just a little daunting to think about right now.
I've been following your story for a while now. I too have struggled with IVF and loss...
ReplyDeleteWe had our first successful round of IVF last spring...We were pregnant...after five years of infertility...It was all going well...till I was 20 weeks along...to make a long story short...I got a bladder infection that made me dilate...my water broke...Eleanna's cord was crushed...and she was born sleeping 4 days later... As I held her I knew I was a mother...there were so many thing I received from her that I thought I would never have...to see a positive pregnancy test...see & hear her heart beating...feel her little kicks...all this because of her...
We don't understand why it had to be this way any more that i can understand why you lost one son and one is struggling just to be comfortable. One things is for sure every moment is precious...you are in my prayers...I pray that you will continue to keep strong as each day is a battle for all of your family. Know that your son Michael is watching over all of you and blessings of better days are coming your way.
That is a lot to deal with baby girl. I too wish that I could take that away. It's what every parent wants for their children. Just because you don't always feel strong does not mean that you are not. It's what you DO that defines you...and you and Jared are amazing. I'm glad we got to have a good long talk yesterday. You are so sweet and tender. I love everything about the way you see and feel. And I can't wait to put my arms around you for a big hug in just 5 days. I wish it was right now.
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